[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
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Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda