You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
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I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
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Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.