This is my emotional support knife.
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Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Classic German Shepherd 😂
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?