GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
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Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
The Friday File.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006