“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
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This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire