boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
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You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.