GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
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A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Mad Max: Furry Road
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed