When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
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“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.