BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
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So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?