Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
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(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Worth remembering.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.