me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
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And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
🤔😂😂
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real