[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
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Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I thought this was funny lol
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
felt that
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
this post was so formative to me
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”