She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
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Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
HR said no more nunchucks.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?