Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
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Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
This is I, Robot all over again
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.