I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
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me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.