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The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
A double negative is a big no-no.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.