After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
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Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license