if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
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Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here