Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
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MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
WHY would you be happy about this?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.