astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
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3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Hey! This isn’t my car!
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”