[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
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Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Extremely relatable.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.