Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Storm Tropical Storm
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant