I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
You Might Also Like
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.