when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
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It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.