“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Y’all know who you are.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
😆this is so true