A little too much information.
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It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
When ur friends with white people
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it