Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
the last thing a carrot sees
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.