One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
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The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”