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Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
getting groceries
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.