[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
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Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]