Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
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wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Botany good plants lately?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
translated into Canadian
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…