Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
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My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
*cough*
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️