Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
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Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
That’s a good costume, I hope.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?