Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
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Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Florida be like…
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.