We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
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Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*