Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
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Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.