Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
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children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.