If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
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[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.