Only a mother’s love …
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[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Baking is just science you can eat.