Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
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When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.