My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
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Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
new shirt idea
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.