Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
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It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
i hate you platonically
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
A classic…
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Had an epiphany today.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers