Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
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falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.