me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
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me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*