Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
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Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
No selfies while hijacking a train.