“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
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I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille