What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes