Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
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Attacked by a mop.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that鈥檚 like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
馃槀馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.