When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
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Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Smooooooth
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving