Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
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not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Squirrels before girls.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit